in which time makes you bolder even children get older I'm getting older too.

so now I've got this job that I love.

I can't express enough what a relief a real job is and I can't stop smiling about it. I go home and feel so comfortable and grown up. it's like the minute I got a job everything I was worried about just drifted away. I wake up in the morning, make coffee, take a shower, eat breakfast, watch the news, get dressed, take a bus to a train to a train and unlock the doors at work. it's such a wonderful monotonous routine and maybe someday I will grow to hate it but for now... I love having somewhere to be.

I was born in Chicago, I was partially rasied in Chicago, and Chicago has always been my real home. when I moved here it was a fulfillment of everything I had been waiting for. I had been waiting and waiting to move to Chicago. but when I got here I still felt out of step. I started learning all the street names and EL stops; I started memorizing block numbers and Dunkin Donuts locations, but it still wasn't right. I went to school in the evenings. then I came home and laid on the couch.

now I feel a part of things. when I get on the train, when I walk fast with my head bent against the wind, when I jump on the bus, I'm immersed in this dance that is always happening in the city, all the time. I know the rhythm and I'm learning all the steps.

and I'm growing up. yesterday I realized that I am twenty-three. I realized how old that was and how young that was at the same time. I can feel my life coming together, assembling around me in interlocking pieces. that's not to say that everything must always stay the same, that nothing will ever change, that my life is my life and will be this way forever. what I mean is that I am feeling connected again, alive, vibrating with energy. I can feel my life working for me, and I can feel my purpose becoming more and more clear everyday. you know those money managment commercials where the green path lights everyone's way for them? that's how I feel things are working for me.

one thing I never talk about is my religion. I'm not ashamed of being religious, I just consider the matter very personal. I love being Lutheran, I love going to church and singing hymns and feeling the power and communion with something so much bigger than I am. every day, I feel this increasing spiritual awareness and some days my blood just feels electric. I don't credit my life to luck, I credit it to God, and that's where this path comes from. I have been praying for so long for my way to become clear and I think it finally is.


this office is so bright. my mother sent me flowers yesterday. it is getting colder and winter is coming. I am starting to wake up again.


thank you job. thank you Chicago. thank you God.