in which I hope I die before I get old

seriously this is the most surreal time of my life.

I have spent 12 years preparing for this and now that it's here, I have no idea what to feel. I spent 4 years wishing it would go faster so I could be somewhere else, and I'm glad to be going somewhere else, & I've always liked change. starting something new doesn't bother me. but it still seems fucking weird.

I had my last class in Regina 16 last week. that's where I spent most of my 4 years of college. I've had some of my best rehearsals there (& worst I guess--Necessary Targets, god damn you). I've spent so much time there. and then walking out last week it just hit me. I acted in my last college show sunday. & I didn't cry. I don't know when this will really get me--probably after I graduate--that none of this is going to last.

I never felt like a part of things I guess, socially. in high school I was anti everything. anti school spirit. anti sports teams. anti organized activities. & not that I regret that, or not that I would go back & change that, because I liked my anti nature. it was very purpoesful for high school & I'm glad I held onto it. but now that I've done what I've done--contributed and committed to some little organization for so long--I don't know. maybe this is all needlessly sentimental. but I feel like I was happier.

my comp reading was tonight (heeeeey wow). I sat in the ever tiny vander vennet and realized I hardly knew a single english major... but I knew every theater major. I started remembering what it felt like to not know anyone around you. to be surrounded with girls that were all giggling and comparing notes.

if I rewound & redid things, I wonder how I would be feeling right now. if I'd be at all sad to be going. I wonder if I would've taken that leave of absence.

well it's all coming to a close. it's also getting cold again: so close, spring; good try. and oh um still no job. this problem will eventually get solved, I am confident. I can be confident. right?

"All things must pass. None of life's strings can last.

So, I must be on my way and face another day."

in which I start to lose it

I didn't get another job.


when I get depressed about shit, I tend to just sleep & sleep & sleep. that's all I've felt like doing lately. I called my mom against last night and got all worked up for a half hour on the phone, nursed a glass of that shitty wine, and then I just turned off the lights and went to bed.

I just wish I could figure out what I was doing. I've been groomed for sixteen fucking years to go out into the world, prepared and literate and knowledgable about useless shit. like physics. like algebra. like philosophy, and women's issues, and a thousand other useless things. I've been sitting in a classroom for the past sixteen fucking years of my life getting educated, and now that I'm finally ready to do something, they only want 3-5 years of experience. they just want you to have been with a major publishing company for the last 10 years. they just want you to be older, smarter, fitter, wiser, and I've been skipping class and sewing costumes. you watch television and everyone gets a fucking dream job right out of college, and everyone lives in five hundred square foot apartments in new york fucking city, and everyone wears gucci and burbury and styles their hair perfectly and weighs about ninety pounds. it's this unrealistic idealistic bullshit. my mom's been telling me my whole life "you can be whatever you want to be". but she always forgot to add: you can be whatever you want to be IF you have beautiful cheekbones and clear skin. you can be whatever you want to be IF you can make it with the Man. you can be whatever you want to be IF you can fake 3-5 years of experience.



I guess I don't handle rejection well is what I'm getting at. it just seems like everyone around me is figuring out their life, and I'm going to get stuck in fucking indiana still looking.

should've gone to grad school. put off the inevitable for another 2+ years. well, whatever.

in which college: how I love you college

re:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=yiWsWzUgcXE

that's all I'm doing anymore. that's the life. whatevvver.












I have been having this killer diller week. it has been one stressful stress after another but then night falls and everything gets automatically 100x better. between sitting around with cathair all over my black clothes, staying over at castle point, backstage claustraphobic quick changing in a tiny booth with three of my favorite people, & just acting like a dumbfuck maniac, I have been loving life.


at the same time I am waiting for it [read: LIFE, again] to start. I will never be done waiting. I will always be waiting for the next thing to start, forever and permanently a-men. & today anyway I am okay with that. who knows about tommorrow.

in which I get my shit together

re: last blog.

setting: good descisions land. early april. modern day.


I emailed away a feud. even if it doesn't get resolved, I feel better for having said what I said. & I guess that's what's really important. or so they say, whoever they are. more on this another time. maybe. actually I think not, because I think it's done. I've let the issue drag me out enough. it's very springlike to get it over with.

I applied for 2 jobs.
....then my hands fell off, the hard drive imploded, and the computer lab caught on fire.
....shortly thereafter, the world came to a big fucking messy END.

actually I just applied for the jobs and now I am waiting patiently for a response, like 1 million other impending graduates. it is nice to finally be over that fear of applying for jobs. I am not sure what was wrong with me. pretty much this accute job application phobia, and now I've clensed myself. I even wrote 2 resumes, oh maaaaan. I am well on my way to joining the Man and becoming a Clean and Organized and Contributing Citizen. I am not sure I am prepared for THAT step, but... we'll see....


I am making a list of things that I want in life so I don't forget. I am not sure the Internet is the best place to do this because this information could fall into the wroooooong hands.
- floor made out of matresses
- tubes of jellyfish to light up a room
- purple walls + purple curtains
- sexy red dining room
- go see india and see what all the fuss is about
- probably write a book
- probably write a book that people will actually want to read (ooooo...)
- find a job?
- adopt some babies


anyway, these are exciting times that we live in.

in which I heal & purify

I've been horribly sick for this whole week. sick as in: laying on the couch under three blankets, drinking plain old hot water, and just watching my four channels on the television. you know. as we do. hacking up shit from the bottommost depths of my lungs and just plain snotting all over my own face. graphic and yet totally true to real life.



but finally, finally; FINALLY I'm starting to feel better. I can't stop coughing & hacking up shit, but at least I don't feel like this achey streaming pressurized mess.







it's full on springtime now. I don't care what john fisher and his five degree piece of shit say. it's sunny in the mornings now; when I wake up, there's beams and stripes of sunlight making my blankets all tosty. I really get hit with seasonal depression hard every year, and I don't realize it till after the winter is in the past. I wore flipflops and shorts yesterday, which was long overdue. it's april & I have never been more ready for it.




when I wasn't on the couch this week, I was cleaning. I threw out a lot of my old shit--old notebooks and papers and toys. I gave a bunch of shit away to goodwill--old clothes and costumes and things I was holding onto for no concieveable reason. (I'm part of this packrat family and we have the hardest time trashing shit. sometimes I wonder why this is. then I started finding broken headbands and shoes without any real sole left, and it just started pissing me off instead.) I felt like renewed almost, like if I could just shake this cough and congestion, I would be this reborn person.



I've been looking forward to next week. I don't really know why; nothing is happening next week, to speak of. I have to get a girl naked in the wings of the little theater every night (heeeey quick changer), and I'm catsitting, and of course there's always a million projects and stuff due, on top of trying to find a damn job, make resumes, and figure out the rest of my life. but next week seems monumenteous to me. I guess I'll get back to you on why exactly. but I've got this feeling that it's got something to do with the rest of my life.


inspired to figure out what the hell this feeling is about, I looked up my horoscope.


"Today, your presence will be requested by many fun-loving people, but your mood might not make it easy to get social. Like a broken swing set, your mood will be going back and forth unpredictably -- and someone could get hurt. Your mind will wander with little provocation right now, and it could be difficult for you to concentrate. So if you are working on detail-oriented tasks, you are going to have to give yourself plenty of extra time to get them done."


I suppose those "detail-oriented tasks" refers to my job situation/quandry. How astute of you, horoscope.





then I looked up my cat's horoscope. I didn't even know they made cat horoscopes. I mean I guess that makes sense, because cats have birthdays. I was like "who the hell would check their cat's horoscope, ugh!" ...and then I realized obviously I the hell would check my cat's horoscope, because I was.


"Today is perfect for group activities -- playing, cuddling or just sitting around together, enjoying the good energy. You and your fellow cats are getting along better than ever, so have a good time!"


I hope that's true. I don't want to hang out with bratty cats for a whole week oh my god. I guess cat horoscopes are no more retarded than cat blogs or something. but seriously. unless you can type you don't need a blog. unless you can read or a brain that comprehends the future beyond about five seconds, you don't need a horoscope. probably the horoscopes for cats are written by crazy cat ladies who want desperately to know what their cat is thinking. probably the same ladies who buy those books about reading your cat's mind, or put their cat on the "pet psychic".




man, what happened to the pet psychic. oh sonja. she was one crazy chick. asking questions about the horse's best friend, talking about dogs liking banjo music, and whatever. I did some reaserch and I guess there were only like 13 episodes of that shit. I wonder why that is, sonja. maybe it's because most people don't mind not know about mr. paws' past life. maybe there were only so many troubled parakeets. maybe everyone bought your book, learned how to be a pet psychic themselves, and never had to use your services again. or maybe animal planet finally saw through your crock of shit psychic abilities and decided to stop giving you money and air time, and instead put on something more worthwhile. like I don't know, Ape Eden or that soap opera about the meerkats. I mean I don't know, I don't have cable, I just have 4 channels.



when my cats get here, I'm going to try reading their minds. first I'll ask them who their best friends are. and then I'll ask them if they believe in their horoscope.