be in love

in all of these lit classes, people are obsessed with death. I guess I already knew that because I've read stacks of books in my life. (I guess this doesn't make me any kind of lit expert but it at least makes me into an informed lit opinion.) (sometimes I think about next year and how I won't have any furniture. I get comforted knowing that I can always make furniture out of my books. at least make bookshelves out of books for incoming books that I'm going to eventually buy.) in an interview, one of the authors said she had been "obsessed by death since [she was] five". she

pointed out how weird and twisted it is, that we're all going to die one day, and we all know it. there's no other human condition where we have a preknowledge like that.

so this lit class. as soon as we started talking about the human condition of death, I got stopped by this weird something:

I was tiny. I was probably six. my brother and I were laying across our parent's bed. I know it was forever ago because they had their old bed--pink comforter. carved headboard. white sheets. all that shit that's been outdated forever ago by arts and crafts in my house.

we were laying across their bed. my dad was at work. it was around bedtime because were praying. I was wearing knobby cotton wonderwoman pajamas.

and I don't know how it came up. maybe someone had just died. but my mom was all of a sudden talking about how one day we're all going to die. even Jacob and me. even her and my dad. even baby Maria. brothers and sisters we don't have yet. cousins. aunts. uncles. nana and papa. kids at school. pastor Deck. strangers. friends. people we like and people we don't like. everyone is going to die.

she started talking about heaven then. that we were going to all go to heaven and it would be a big reunion. like a pancake breakfast or the christmas party at aunt marge's. everyone would be there, even people who hadn't died yet; because we all had to be happy, we couldn't be missing anyone.

my family is always realistic about death. it's sad but it's happy. it's a celebration actually because the deceased (that word is awful; awful, awful. english needs something else.) is happy: perfect and whole and well. I like funerals with few sad acceptions.

but that conversation was the first time I knew what death was.

I remember I rolled over toward the crown of the bed, so I was stretched across the pillows. I remember crying while she was talking; I left behind this damp little circle from crying. I remember feeling this weird aching sad pain in my gut that I'd never known or realized before. even while I'm typing this I'm remembering, I'm crying.

I don't know what this is supposed to mean or why I remembered it, or why I didn't ever remember it before now. I don't know why I thought it was important to write it down but I did. I don't want to forget that moment again: I feel like it will be significant one of these days. so don't forget it. keep it.

today is valentine's day. I used to hate this holiday. I'm indifferent now I guess. it's this pretty lame excuse for buying shit. but then my sisters brought me cookies yesterday: the prettiest cookies I've seen in awhile. it made me rethink it; I guess it reminded me not to be too damn bitter.

it could be about just doing nice things for people. like you should always do nice things for people but this could be a day to really do them; because everyone always says that they will and then they don't.

or it could just be about being in love. and the more I think about it, the more I'm like: yeah, I am in love. forget all the bullshit about whatever else love can mean does mean will mean. forget that I get frustrated and fucking bored with the way I live. think about: living in my house with two of my best friends and a little dog that get so excited to see me he trips me everytime I walk in the door. think about how it's going to be springtime and I'll go to the beach every fucking weekend. think about evenings: going to reherals with more of my best friends. think about work, think about sewing and having the time of your life. be in love with that. be in love with my family: my sisters, my brother, my parents; dog and cats and fish. think about next year; be in love with the future. let that make you completely retarded.

& that's when I get happy.